IT'S A DIRTY HABIT

My morning routine begins with: waking up, trying to remember where I am, go back to sleep, wake up again and now remember where I am again, and then immediately update myself on the most up to date breaking news, which I can always trust to find on the ever so trustworthy "News Feed" on Facebook, easily at my fingertips or in this case my snazzy Facebook app on my iPhone [news all day, e'ry day]

I get everything I properly need to start off my day:

• Videos on cats, monkeys and the homeless or hipsters
• Videos of people falling, walking into walls or mostly in this case just drunk babies to steer clear from
• Selfies -- starting to really miss the duck face phenomenon 
• Instagram photos of what's cookin', trash art and the moon -- great pictures of the moon "friends" I was really bumming I wasn't going to have a chance to see it!
• Which basketball team to root for today? Lakers or the Clippers?
• Hip tunes -- Kanye or Jay-Z? Oh snap, throw some Timberlake up in on that! Didn't see that one coming
• TV Programming and Movie's: bring on the spoilers!

And of course the personal blatant "status updates":

• "[Redacted] loves birthday cake ice-cream! nom-nom-nom"
• "[Redacted] hates it when they walk into moving cars, am I right [redacted]?"
• "[Redacted] is listening to 'Push It' by Salt n Pepa on Spotify"
• Recent trips to the grocery store, kitchen, and bathroom
• Recent break-ups
• Recent accidental hook-ups, which then turn into accidental marriages and accidental children (Sometimes in this case, I'm left scratching my chin. Which came first, the kid or the marriage? This turns into Facebook sleuthing aka can I get Jerry Springer on this, if there's time between me brewing a cup of tea and staring at a crack in the wall)
• What should I wear for the day thanks to the weather updates across the country (Yes, I have "friends" across the country: shout out to you guys for the weather updates!)

I can usually base my day off whether it's going to be a great day or a bad day. I know I'll have a fantastic day when a majority of statuses end with:

• "I'm sad"
• "I can't find my shoes"
• "I give up"

Thanks "friends" for cheering me up!

With all of this said, New York Times, Los Angeles Times and The Onion  Times, you need to step up your a-game on delivering me up to date real-life news. Real news has never been more real than Facebook "News Feed".  Real life "friends" on the field 24/7 and beyond! And are 100% in the know. Besides, as we all know, the internet never lies.

But then again, to tell you the truth, I'm a liar.

Huzzah!

-SD

SPEECH IMPEDIMENT

Dearly beloved, I gather you here today to bathe you all in the glory that be -- bath salts. Okay, not everyone get excited at once, I'm sure Bed Bath and Beyond has a good hefty stock.


Realized today that you all were lacking something important in your lives...my whimsical words for life. Been off the page (blog page that is) for a number of reasons. I'll list them right down yonder, so you don't have to wonder much longer:


1) A confusion between Sparkling Water and Mineral Water. 
2) Is the sky blue because the water is blue or is the water blue because the sky is blue?
2.58) Misplaced my clock, lost track of time. 
3) I stubbed my left pinky toe.


[Numbers 1 and 3 may be TMI for a few of you -- many apologies will be sent to your fax]


This month has made me a lot of money, so which in turn I spent a majority of it. All for a good cause. Witnessed my better writing half marry a really amazing catch, attempted to drown my best friend and ate four tacos.  I was moved and inspired to tip-tap away on my wireless keyboard -- I'm standing on top of my car while writing this; there's a nice breeze. 


I realized that at some point I'm going to need to have prepared an amazing speech for someone at some crazy off the wall event. Then it dawned on me, I'll write a practical "use anytime" speech. That should do it. It's a great idea. But I'll do it sometime later, when it makes sense to. Like on a Wednesday, after my second bathroom break. 


Ooh look a tangent -- I've been told there were a lot of awesome movies that came out this month and what not. Clearly, I have better things to do. I just finished Season 4 of Breaking Bad, so there's no time for that nonsense. I'm just hitting the refresh button on my Netflix until Season 5 is on INSTANT QUEUE!

Here's a great picture of: 

Huzzah.

-SD

I BLAME JACK

As of late, I've decided that Kerouac is to blame for my poor grammar and misuse of punctuation. Not all of the blame can go on my high school Algebra teacher.

What's your excuse? Facebook? Twitter?

Here's a minor update in my huge life:

Finished a first draft on an epic blockbuster script with my writing partner (who makes his monkey butler do all of his writing for him...) And now I'm writing a little somethin' somethin' to fill the ego tank.

I recently watched a movie.


I drank some water.


I put shoes on.


Oh and you all should be watching this and not that other thing that is out making way too much money. There are starving children on Sandwich Islands!

BATTLE ROYALE (with cheese)

And oh yeah, it's a book too ya'll.

Huzzah.

YOU SNOOZE, I WIN

I could write a book on my excuses for not catching up on this damn thing, but I'm not going to privilege you to that.


In the meantime, since there's nothing important to say or witty to say at the moment, I'm sharing with you a rare, extinct, new and improved video.

It's a commercial I wrote for sour patch kids. Due to it's content of awesomeness, it was banned from adult swim, 22 countries and 3 villages.

Written by: SD

Directed by: Tyler Poppe

Huzzah.

WAIT A MINUTE, THAT DOESN'T FIT.

Happy case of the Monday's, y'all!

Many of my fans have asked this question: What the *fuck* is this thing all about?!
My answer is: It is, what it is.

The post below, about Cirkus Columbia, is not my movie. If it were a movie I had worked on, I wouldn't be writing this blog, now would I? (Okay, I probably would, self promotion!)

My intention with whatever videos that are not mine that I'll be sharing on here, is to watch movie trailers that a) I have never seen b) look stupid c) all of the above d) the first two e) whatever, and spoil it for you in my own way, by watching those first few minutes of a trailer. Hence, MY SHINY SPOILER! Get with it.

Here's one to twiddle your thumbs about:

21 JUMP STREET

MY SHINY SPOILER: 

Jonah Hill got the lap band, and now he's back for skinny revenge. And to top it off, he's creepy looking. I think we all liked it better when he was fat. That's up for discussion. He's a cop with dear friend Tatum Channing, who is possibly the largest manchild. They take on the biggest 90s cliche undercover job: find who sells the drug at a local highschool. Yes, the popular white kids are the druggies, because they can afford it. Hill and Tatum get really high and stick their tongues out at everyone, because that's what you do when you get really high.
**Kids, we know if you're on drugs if you stick your tongue out. Don't do it**
Tatum is 40 years old, and gets called out on it. There goes his dignity. The pedophiles, I mean great undercover cops that be Hill and Tatum, go to prom, like legit bad asses do. They blow shit up, because that's what you do when you go after teenage highschool drug mules.
**Caution: There is a lot of sliding across front hoods of cars. May cause motion sickness**
And if rumors are true, yes, Johnny "boy" Depp will be receiving an oscar nom for his guest appearance.


Huzzah.

YOU'RE DAMN LUCKY TO BE READING THIS

Take a seat and read a blog.

As you read this, the writers blogger virginity has been abducted by cyberspace. It's virtually a painless process, depending on the size of the...

Ok, let's stop there.

Too many puns for certain end-users to cognize.

Here's what you're in for, as you follow this amazing person:
Completeness. Closure. Cookies.

I'm not a guru, not an arch-angel, not a yoga master. Check back frequently -- like when you get up to use the restroom, you should also be reading this blog -- for lots of laughs, tears and uncertainty.

Heres a little taste of what you'll be seeing on here:

CIRKUS COLUMBIA

MY SHINY SPOILER:


In a nutshell, a Bosnian adolescent Martin is reunited with his father after 20yrs, which is weird because he's only 17...let's not do the math. His dad is a crazed, hoot in a barrel old man, who thinks he's god of Bosnia or something. He comes back with a hot soon to be wife, that coincidentally looks like Cyndi Lauper. Martin develops a weird crush on his step-mother and so do all of his friends. Martin has contact with UFOs and the Bosnian police come and beat him up.  And the star of the film, Bonny, goes missing.


Huzzah.