Saturday, April 27, 2013


My morning routine begins with: waking up, trying to remember where I am, go back to sleep, wake up again and now remember where I am again, and then immediately update myself on the most up to date breaking news, which I can always trust to find on the ever so trustworthy "News Feed" on Facebook, easily at my fingertips or in this case my snazzy Facebook app on my iPhone [news all day, e'ry day]

I get everything I properly need to start off my day:

  • Videos on cats, monkeys and the homeless or hipsters
  • Videos of people falling, walking into walls or mostly in this case just drunk babies to steer clear from
  • Selfies -- starting to really miss the duck face phenomenon 
  • Instagram photos of what's cookin', trash art and the moon -- great pictures of the moon "friends" I was really bumming I wasn't going to have a chance to see it!
  • Which basketball team to root for today? Lakers or the Clippers?
  • Hip tunes -- Kanye or Jay-Z? Oh snap, throw some Timberlake up in on that! Didn't see that one coming
  • TV Programming and Movie's: bring on the spoilers!

And of course the personal blatant "status updates":

  • "[Redacted] loves birthday cake ice-cream! nom-nom-nom"
  • "[Redacted] hates it when they walk into moving cars, am I right [redacted]?"
  • "[Redacted] is listening to 'Push It' by Salt n Pepa on Spotify"
  • Recent trips to the grocery store, kitchen, and bathroom
  • Recent break-ups
  • Recent accidental hook-ups, which then turn into accidental marriages and accidental children (Sometimes in this case, I'm left scratching my chin. Which came first, the kid or the marriage? This turns into Facebook sleuthing aka can I get Jerry Springer on this, if there's time between me brewing a cup of tea and staring at a crack in the wall)
  • What should I wear for the day thanks to the weather updates across the country (Yes, I have "friends" across the country: shout out to you guys for the weather updates!)
I can usually base my day off whether it's going to be a great day or a bad day. I know I'll have a fantastic day when a majority of statuses end with:
  • "I'm sad"
  • "I can't find my shoes"
  • "I give up"
Thanks "friends" for cheering me up!

With all of this said, New York Times, Los Angeles Times and The Onion  Times, you need to step up your a-game on delivering me up to date real-life news. Real news has never been more real than Facebook "News Feed".  Real life "friends" on the field 24/7 and beyond! And are 100% in the know. Besides, as we all know, the internet never lies.

But then again, to tell you the truth, I'm a liar.